November 27, 2015

Classic Post: 15 Pinterest-inspired Snarky Thoughts

This post originally ran on May 28, 2014.

So I've been perusing Pinterest for nursery ideas (not for me--this baby maker is closed), and I can't help but notice a few things. Warning: Pettiness ahead!

1. Why is it that most amateur baby photographers feel the need to make their eyes huge? All I can see is that stereotypical depiction of aliens with bald heads and huge eyes. It's really, really creepy.

2. Do people realize that everyone's bodies are shaped and sized differently? Case in point: Woman with five rings, including her engagement and wedding bands, and then one for the birth of each child. My knuckles (and presumably many knuckles) could never, ever, comfortably accommodate that many rings on one finger--and yet, of course, it's captioned "Every woman should do this!", thank you, I'll pass. I prefer having some mobility in that finger.

3. How many posts on "How to Entertain Your Child in XYZ" do we really need? Along a similar vein: How do your children ever learn to entertain themselves if you devote so much time to entertaining them? I mean, growing up, doctors offices and restaurants were the IT places for parents to teach us how to be quiet and behave even when bored out of our minds.

Another question along the same vein: How do you ever have time to play Candy Crush or Angry Birds or check in on Facebook if you are always entertaining your child?

4. How many different ways can you do the whole pasting a kid's name onto its monogram thing? Really, it's not mind-blowingly complicated.

5. Awwww, so many cute outfits. It'll be a real shame when they are covered in poo and puke.

6. That's not a baby swimming prodigy. That's the cover of a Nirvana album cropped. Really?!

7. This is more of a warning: If it says "Simple way to organize", it typically isn't.

8. It doesn't matter what kind of cute containers I put my sponges in, I'm still going to hate doing dishes.

9. Cake Batter Cinnamon Rolls: Nothing to mock here, I just thought you should also know such delectable creations actually exist.

10. Putting "brushing teeth" in a chore jar seems like a horrible way to teach your kid proper hygiene.

11. Any variety of the "Good moms have messy houses and happy kids". Why? Because it's nonsense. I don't care how you keep your house but quit trying to justify it and give yourself a leg up on those of us that prefer to keep things tidy. Believe me, my kids aren't neglected in the five minutes it takes me to Swiffer my floors.

12. Elf on a Shelf? Really? You do realize it's not even June, right?

13. A onesie that states: "Mommy's New Man". Yeah. No. Let's just not.

14. "Activities to Do with Your Infant: Airplane"...honestly, if you need someone to break down Airplane for you, I kind of question whether you should have children. Some things are just instinctual.

15. What is it about perfectly coiffed cakes that make me feel so inadequate? I cannot be the only one....

At the end of the day, I'm big on the "You do you, and I'll do me, and we'll be one big happy human family" but I reserve the right to roll my eyes and sigh heavily when all I want is nursery decor and these are what I get. *sighs* *rolls eyes* *shakes head*

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