Good morning! I'm back. Mostly. Did you miss me?
For today's Story in Stupidity, I had planned to do a Bryan Fischer quote, and then the most amazing thing happened---he said something else outrageous! So I went back and forth for a wee bit on whether to do one or the other, and finally decided to do both. You get a two-for! Yay!
Once upon a time, there was a man named Bryan Fischer, and he was passionately protective of his nation's traditional values.
We've told a few stories about Mr. Fischer since we started this column.
Mr. Fischer doesn't understand a lot of things. He doesn't understand gay people. Or atheists. Or Satanists.
He's afraid of things he doesn't understand, but he won't take the time to understand them. Oh no. Those things are The Others™ and they need to be destroyed and utterly rejected. Decimated. Obliterated.
Recently, a horrific killing took place in Oklahoma. A truly horrific killing--but have no fear. Mr. Fischer understands why these terrible, senseless act of violence happened. He has the answer for you. As Right Wing Watch relates:
"Remember that it was in Oklahoma City where the city fathers said 'you can have your Satanic ritual in the heart of our city,'" Fischer said. "And then literally, I mean this literally, ladies and gentlemen, all Hell has broken loose in the state of Oklahoma. Oklahoma City allows a Satanic ritual and all of a sudden, we start hearing about people having their head cut off in the name of the demon god Allah. Just a coincidence? I'll leave it up to you to make up your own mind."
Never mind that there are different varieties of Satanists, or that they themselves don't define their beliefs in opposition to Christianity. But better to break out the pitchforks, folks!
Had things gone as planned, we would have to end our tale here. Perhaps I would throw in a few punny moments or a little more snark. But things did not go according to plan.
Instead, Fischer also took a stand on Ebola...or rather, on Shep Smith's take on Ebola.
I watched Smith's video, and I thought the world was ending. It was Fox News, and yet, I wanted to give it a standing ovation. #Conflicted.
But Fischer has a different...take on the video.
"Shepard Smith is a card-carrying liberal," Fischer explained. "He has been outed as an active homosexual, so he's down with the entire homosexual agenda. People think he's on Fox so he's conservative. Anything but."
"Why would he want to support President Obama?" Fischer asked, before playing Smith's segment on the Ebola panic. "Because President Obama supports the homosexual agenda."
Fischer reminds us that the only reason anyone would support the President is because they are homosexuals, and Obama supports the homosexual agenda. Lest we forget.
The only reason someone would be reasonable and rational (in Fischer's opinion) is of course that they are a "card-carrying liberal" and an "active homosexual". Of course. Of.Course.
Here's hoping that Fischer continues to make such outrageous statements, because they make for great fodder for this column. For sure.
Tune in next week and see what other outrageous things we can dig up.