September 22, 2014

Stories in Stupidity: Watch out for those gay demons coming to get you.


For today's Story in Stupidity, I have an oldie but goodie for you. Somehow, it got lost in translation, but I think it's just as relevant currently.

Today's Story in Stupidity comes to us courtesy of Charisma Magazine (that's a Do Not Link) and Bert M. Farias talking about homosexuality and The Bible.

Farias is a man with conviction. He's a man who knows...how to sell a contradiction...The gays must go. They just must go....

Extra points if you get the reference.

Let's begin, shall we?

Once upon a time, there was a man named Bert M. Farias, and he had Convictions™.


But first! Bold Bert wanted everyone to know that he had Convictions™ and Compassion™:

If you are involved in a gay relationship, or have a loved one who is, please do not get upset with me. I am for you and not against you. If you will listen long enough, you will see that I am actually trying to help you.

With statements like these, Bold Bert made sure that we all knew that he was coming from a place of love, compassion and understanding.

His love, compassion, and understanding for homosexuals was abounding, and so he wrote things like:

So here is the raw, naked truth on homosexuality that we must never forget:
The Bible says that homosexuality is unnatural. Men in gay relationships have given up the natural use of the woman and women the natural use of the man. 

Obviously, Bold Bert also took issue with cuddly gay penguins and the more than 1500 other species, besides humanity, in which homosexuality exists. Something as unnatural as homosexuality cannot possibly be allowed to exist in nature!

Bold Bert also wanted everyone to know that not only is homosexuality Unnatural™ but it is most assuredly a Choice™:

The Bible does not say that God changed what was natural. Neither does it say that nature, or the environment, or the culture, or his parents, nor did his birth genes change what was natural. It says that lesbians and homosexuals changed themselves. Yes, that's right! The Bible says it is people who change their natural sexual desires in exchange for unnatural ones. The Bible sweeps away every argument, excuse and destructive reasoning for unnatural sexual activity. Some things are against nature, and therefore against God, because God created nature. 

Again, something as unnatural as homosexuality absolutely cannot be allowed to exist, especially not in nature. As the prevalence of homosexuality within the animal kingdom is so high, one must wonder what we will do about that unnatural phenomenon next.

But Bold Bert wasn't finished, my friends!

Homosexuality is not ordained by God, nor is it even biologically right or natural. People are gay because they choose to be--not because they can't help it. It's a choice in the same way I could choose as a sexually normal red-blooded male to go out and commit adultery. Being gay is a choice just like a heterosexual couple chooses to have children, or a man decides to remain celibate and enter the monastery, or a woman chooses to be a nun. Men don't say, "I can't help being a monk!" Women don't say, "I couldn't help being a nun!" Just as normal couples make a choice to marry, or not to marry, have sex or not to have sex, have children or not have children, so it is with being gay. 

 I am sure there are thousands of couples that will be glad to know that having a child is just as simple as willing it to happen. This will surely cure infertility forever.

Bold Bert wants us to know that this is a Problem™:

The choice to be gay, however, has far greater risk in that it ties one to lust, illicit passions, and unclean practices that open up a person to the demonic. I will explain this further below.

Opens us up to the demonic? That sounds scary!

But Bold Bert believes that the cure here is Clear Communication™:

We've got this whole thing muddled up because people don't speak plainly and clearly anymore. They beat around the bush and are obsessed with political correctness and being loving and tolerant. The truth is that everyone makes choices every single day. You can choose to believe in God or not. You can choose to believe the Bible or not. You can choose to surrender your life to Jesus Christ or not. You can choose to be a liar, a thief, a whore-monger, a murderer, an alcoholic or a drug addict. Quit blaming it on your genes or your addictive personality, unfortunate circumstances, or your background and upbringing. Yes, our culture and surroundings influence us, but we don't have to yield to its evil influences.

I would like all of you lying, thieving, whore-mongering murderers out there who are blaming it on your genetics to stop, right this instance. Also, that addiction has been empirically demonstrated to have a hereditary component means nothing, of course, because science. HA!

Bold Bert continues:

For example, I could say to my wife, "It's so natural for me to have sex with other women, so I think I will. I just can't help myself!" Just because a woman opens her blouse to me and entices me to have sex with her doesn't mean that I will. The fact is some people just want to do what comes naturally or what feels good, and the devil eats them up. He will feed you all the lies and perversion you are willing to receive.

About the blouse-opening, Bert....I've seen your picture.

But here we go again. Obviously homosexuality is the same as adultery. Choosing to only have sex with one person within a monogamous relationship and breaking that commitment, thus violating that trust and emotionally eviscerating the other person, is totally the same as attraction and consensual relationships between partners of the same sex. Obvs. That's so clear. Glad we have Clear Communication™, or I would be really confused.

Bold Bert has some really mind-blowing Convictions™--but remember, he only says them with Compassion™!

Here's the raw, naked truth: Homosexuality is actually a demon spirit. It is such a putrid-smelling demon that other demons don't even like to hang around it. A genuine prophet of God told me that the Lord allowed him to smell this demon spirit, and he got sick to his stomach. And yet as humans, many embrace this demon. Yes, you heard me right: Being gay is demonic. 
There is an account in the Bible where Jesus casts 2,000 demons out of a man. The demons came out screaming and begged Jesus to send them into the pigs. The pigs didn't want them, so they ran down a steep hill and were drowned in the sea. Pigs have more sense than some humans. Some people embrace homosexual demons, but the pigs would rather die than be possessed with demons.

Because...demons. Okay then.

From a biblical perspective, the rise of homosexuality is a sign that a society is in the last stages of decay. And here is another terrible truth: As people continue to reject God, He gives them over to increasingly immoral and self-destructive activities. There are destructive physical, emotional and spiritual consequences of homosexual behavior.

A sign of...decay. But he told us up top that he was just trying to help....?????

All human beings know deep in their hearts that God exists, and they all know something of His moral standards. But people's unrighteousness leads them to suppress the truth and believe false views of God and the Bible, and they twist the scriptures to their own destruction, because they know that the truth would require them to repent. 

All of you atheists, stop being so silly. You KNOW that God exists.

Allow me to school you in Basic Sex 101. If being gay was natural, two men or two women could produce a baby, but they can't. Their sexual reproductive organs do not complement each other therefore making it impossible for them to procreate. It can never be natural for two men or two women to get married and live together. Our culture's acceptance and celebration of gay behavior will never make it right. Wrong is wrong no matter how many people are for it. And right is right no matter how many people are against it. Homosexuality is not new. It's been around for thousands of years. It's as old as the devil himself. 

 Again, we have this unnatural perversion. I really suggest we start by wiping it out of nature first. Also, what about all those unnatural infertile couples? I mean, they can't produce children either.

Just as a fornicator or an adulterer can stop being sexually active, any gay person who claims to be a professing Christian can stop being gay. There are still plenty of strong brothers and sisters in the Lord who will be more than willing to offer help, prayer, counsel and deliverance. There are also many godly pastors and mentors who will be glad to minister to you so you can be free. If natural feelings for the opposite sex do not return, then honor the Lord by waiting and choosing to remain celibate. In the same way I would give account to God for living in adultery, so the Bible says one day homosexuals will pay the penalty for the error of their ways. Just because something is pleasurable and feels good will never make it right if it is outside of the boundaries God has set.

Well. That's fascinating. All of you homosexuals, just stop being gay. For realz.

As for the rest of you, let's just, for shits and giggles, look at all of Bold Bert's Conviction™ with Compassion™ and Clear Communication™. According to Bold Bert, homosexuality is:


  •  unnatural
  • not biological
  • demonic
  • inexcusable
  • perverse
  • immoral
  • a sign of society's decay
  • and under the clear control of the individual

Yup, that certainly sounds like he's trying to help to me.

/sarcasm

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