August 25, 2014

Stories in Stupidity: Michelle Duggar wants you to know that they are coming for you

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen and those of you rogues who are neither. Welcome to your first installment of Stories in Stupidity, Monday edition.

Today, we have an excellent example of pure rage, hate, and ignorance, all rolled into one. But never fear! It has a happy ending.

Let's begin, shall we?

Once upon a time, there was a woman named Michelle.


Michelle believed it was her job to further the clan Duggar in the most basic way. Babies. She had lots of them--19 and counting. Michelle did this for the glory of God, and the vast majority of the world was unbothered by it.

Michelle catapulted to fame when she and Clan Duggar got their own reality TV show on TLC. The world watched in wonder as they contained the madness of having the start of a small nation, all in the same home.

As her fame grew, Michelle began speaking out politically, when allowed, as a good biblical woman does.

Not so long ago, Michelle found herself in a predicament. You see, Fayetteville, Arkansas was looking at doing something absolutely atrocious--providing protections to those who were Different From Michelle™. They needed a hero!

But Michelle would have to do.

So she bravely stepped into a recording booth and recorded a robocall. It went like this:
Hello, this is Michelle Duggar. I’m calling to inform you of some shocking news that would affect the safety of Northwest Arkansas women and children. The Fayetteville City Council is voting on an ordinance this Tuesday night that would allow men – yes I said men – to use womens and girls restrooms, locker rooms, showers, sleeping areas and other areas that are designated for females only. I don’t believe the citizens of Fayetteville would want males with past child predator convictions that claim they are female to have a legal right to enter private areas that are reserved for women and girls. I doubt that Fayetteville parents would stand for a law that would endanger their daughters or allow them to be traumatized by a man joining them in their private space. We should never place the preference of an adult over the safety and innocence of a child. Parents, who do you want undressing next to your daughter at the public swimming pool’s private changing area? I still believe that we are a society that puts women and children first. Women, young ladies and little girls deserve to use the restroom or any other facility in peace and safety. Will you speak up for protecting women and children? Call 575-8330 and tell the Fayetteville City Council members and Mayor Jordan to vote ‘no’ on ordinance 119. The number again is 575-8330. For more information please go to www.freefayetteville.org. Paid for by freefayetteville.org.
Michelle stepped out and breathed a sigh of relief. She did not realize, for instance, that children and women are far more likely to be assaulted by someone they already know, or that many pedophiles pass for straight men, easily. Alas!--her ignorance was bliss.

She had not been sure her strength would carry her through, but it did. The robocall went out to the masses, and infuriated and vexed the internet at large, who could see Michelle's dumbassery for what it was.

But Michelle's bravery would go down in history as ill-fated. In a 6 to 2 victory for equality, the Fayetteville Council passed the measure, allowing protections for those vulnerable individuals among us that needed them.

Hallelujah!

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

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